Let’s talk about… procrastination

August 23rd, 2010
But perhaps we could wait until tomorrow?

Yes, that’s me. Madame Procrastinator Supreme. Always have been. It drives me crazy, as well as everybody else. You’d think that by the age of 70 I might be over it.

After all I have managed to deal with many other annoying habits I have carried with me throughout my life. Like biting my nails. I hoped I would get over it when my childhood ended. No luck. I was actually 60 before I managed to beat this little devil. At least I won’t go to my death bed with chomped down nails. These days I even wear nail polish sometimes.

One of my worst habits has always been my sulking and withdrawal. When something did not suit me, or I wanted to be right, or wanted my way, I sulked to the point of passive aggressive behavior, something I inherited from my mother. Friends and work colleagues didn’t know about this, I mostly used it with my partner. Poor Thierry suffered a lot from it. I remember a couple of dreadful times. Once I had asked him to pick me up late at night from a workshop. He suggested I ask one of the other participants so he did not have to make an extra journey. I was appalled, why couldn’t he come and fetch me? I sulked, and refused to ask anyone for a ride. I ended up walking 5 long miles in the middle of the night in pouring rain before I phoned him and told him what I was doing. Another time I remember walking out of the house and walking through town, and not really knowing what I was going to do. I mean, where could I run away to? How childish that was.

It was when I began living my lesbian life that it all fell apart. Women just did not seem to notice when I sulked, or worse still, they had the same habit! When I got together with Judy five years ago, I got into my usual pattern of sulks and withdrawal when she did something I didn’t like. Watching TV for instance. Or reading when I wanted to sleep. Of course I could not just be straightforward and ask her to stop. I know she would have been quite sensitive to my needs, but I was so used to making myself and everyone miserable that I just could not stop.

Judy hardly noticed. That annoyed me even more! I would sometimes burst into angry tears. “Can’t you see how miserable I am?” I would say and then would storm out of the room. She would go back to her book until I got over it – in fact she treated me as a responsible adult instead of an unruly child.

I can’t remember quite when I “got” it, but thank goodness I no longer feel the need to sulk, and my passive aggressive behavior is a thing of the past. I am so much happier now.

But this procrastination thing is still very much with me. I make lists of “to do” things, and then only do the things that are easy. I really enjoy doing laundry and ironing and cooking, and playing scrabble of course.

At the moment I have been procrastinating painting a door which is half done, several weeks have passed since I started this job. I enjoy painting, so why can’t I finish it?

And the main reason for writing this blog is that I have also been procrastinating writing it for some weeks. I feel guilty and ashamed, wishing it would all go away. I don’t want to let Thierry down. I even enjoy writing – so what IS the problem?

I know I am also supposed to connect with other bloggers to widen my audience, but asking for help – well that is another big block for me. Oh how I make my life complicated and difficult.

How can I help myself? Who will help me? I can’t just give up. I want to get my life in order over the next ten or twenty years so I won’t have to do it all again next time.

Anyway, you can see I have done it – AT LAST.

Now I will reward myself by doing something else  really fun.




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Let’s talk about…Happiness

July 25th, 2010
“If I just found someone to love me I would be really happy”. “When I have paid all my debts, I will at last be happy”. “It makes me so happy when my child gets good grades at school”.

True or False? All of the above are false. And yet how many times a day do I say or think something similar? For me the most frequent one is, “when I have a home where I feel safe and welcome, I will at last be happy”. Another one I say often to my dear Judy is “you make me so happy”. Yet none of these words are true.

I decided to look up the word “happiness” in the dictionary for help.

“Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.” That’s all very well, I thought to myself, but how do I get there? How can I find that sense of joy and contentment.

Then I tried to remember times when I have been really happy. Actually this morning I had a fleeting moment of joy. I was watering the garden, the sun was shining and a cooling breeze tickled my almost naked body (our garden is very private!). A tiny humming bird was buzzing around my head. A sudden trill of joy filled me, just by being alive in that moment. I had a split second of being totally in the NOW. And as soon as I realised it was happening, I began thinking about it, and it was gone. The humming bird was still there, so was the garden and the sun, it was all just as beautiful, but I had lost the pure beingness of the moment, being part of it all.

I do actually know how happiness is. I also know I can’t “make” it happen, it can only happen when I am somehow, almost unknowingly, doing those things that create happiness. Luckily a dear friend of mine, Anna Rudel from Lokahi Acupuncture (she’s amazing) put the suggestions below on her Facebook page just a few days ago. I am going to print these out and stick them on my bathroom mirror so I will see them every day. (The other thing on my mirror is the Four Agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz).

1. Be grateful – Some study participants were asked to write letters of gratitude to people who had helped them in some way. The study found that these people reported a lasting increase in happiness – over weeks and even months – after implementing the habit. What’s even more surprising: Sending the letter is not necessary. Even when people wrote letters but never delivered them to the addressee, they still reported feeling better afterwards.

2. Be optimistic – Another practice that seems to help is optimistic thinking. Study participants were asked to visualize an ideal future – for example, living with a loving and supportive partner, or finding a job that was fulfilling – and describe the image in a journal entry. After doing this for a few weeks, these people too reported increased feelings of well-being.

3. Count your blessings – People who practice writing down three good things that have happened to them every week show significant boosts in happiness, studies have found. It seems the act of focusing on the positive helps people remember reasons to be glad.

4. Use your strengths – Another study asked people to identify their greatest strengths, and then to try to use these strengths in new ways. For example, someone who says they have a good sense of humor could try telling jokes to lighten up business meetings or cheer up sad friends. This habit, too, seems to heighten happiness.

5. Commit acts of kindness – It turns out helping others also helps ourselves. People who donate time or money to charity, or who altruistically assist people in need, report improvements in their own happiness.

So there you have it, creating these five habits will increase our happiness.  And instead of saying “you make me happy” to Judy, I could say “I am very grateful and happy that you are in my life”. Years ago I kept a Gratitude Journal, every night I would write a list of things I was grateful for. Whatever happened to the Journal?

When I begin to count my blessings, there is no end to them. I have wonderful children and grandchildren, I lived at Findhorn for 25 years, I have friends who love me and whom I love, I have this amazing computer I am typing on, I live at a time of amazing changes and wonders.

Just one more thing that has just occurred to me. Forgiveness. Yes, I would add that to the list. Forgiving others and myself.

Going through my iPhoto albums, I’ve come across a few (well, lots really) pictures when I was really really happy.


Happiness is spending time with an old friend.


Happiness is the first sweet fig of the season.


Happiness is a juicy water melon


Happiness is being a child again


Happiness is soft teddy bear


Happiness is the freedom of Salt Spring island in Canada


Happiness is knowing your Congressman is on your side. Our hero Mike Honda.


Happiness is having tea with my old friend Leona


Are you smiling yet?




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Let’s talk about…psychic protection

July 9th, 2010
Until 1995 I knew nothing about psychic protection or psychic attacks. I did know that in some places I felt uncomfortable, even fearful and in others I felt light and safe and somewhere I really wanted to be. Same thing with people, I could feel a kind of unpleasant vibe from certain men or women, while others exuded love and joyful acceptance.

Then Judy Hall came into my life. Judy is a well known author and psychic and we published her book The Art of Psychic Protection in 1966. Talking to Judy and later reading the book, I began to learn so much more about good and bad energy, and how to either open myself to positive vibes or close myself to harmful projections. I began to realise that we all need some psychic protection in our lives.

Not long after I first read the book, a woman I knew slightly moved into the house next door to us. I began to feel very uncomfortable walking past her house and the shop she had opened. Later I learned that she was very negative about the Findhorn Community and she and some other friends were doing everything they could to harm us. It was not a good feeling because they had a strong psychic energy and were using it in harmful ways.

I decided to learn to use some of the suggestions in Judy’s book to protect myself, something I could use quickly whenever I felt something bad was happening. I learned about visualising helpful items like a shiny shield to hold in front of me. In a really bad emergency I would mentally jump into a bright, shiny new dustbin and close the lid. Carrying a crystal can also help.

To protect our house I visualised a very large green pyramid which covered the whole house. I still do this today whenever I go on vacation and leave the house (now a very different house in a different country!). I take a couple of minutes and “see” the green pyramid protecting the house until we return.

Using water can help. If you feel bad energy inside you or around you, have a shower, sing in the shower, laugh, anything to cleanse your aura and lift your spirit. You can also do this by visualising a shower of light.

One thing I use frequently is when I am driving a car, or when I am a passenger in one. To protect the car and the passengers, I visualise a mental pentagram over the car which moves along with us.

There are way too many more suggestions for me to mention here. If this is something you want to learn more about, and I do recommend it, have a look at The Art of Psychic Protection. I recently sent away for a new copy for myself. I am very glad I did! It has reminded me again when to open myself and when to close myself to harmful “stuff”.

If you work with people or in dark and negative surroundings, a couple of minutes with a quick fix can make all the difference. Policemen, counselors, teachers, supermarket cashiers, prison officers, doctors and nurses, airport workers, dentists, all these jobs can lead to difficult and even dangerous encounters. Learning a few helpful tips can make you much safer, both emotionally and physically.

I could go on talking about this forever. Do ask anything you think I might be able to answer. Better still, get the book! In the USA it is published by Weiser Books, and you can get it from Amazon.com. In the UK and rest of the world go to Findhorn Press.


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Let’s talk about… Forgiveness.

June 30th, 2010
I’ve been finding this one particularly difficult to talk about, so I probably really need to do it. Over the past 30 years I have learned a lot about forgiveness and what hanging on to resentments and blaming can do to me. And yet I still do it, and I don’t know why.  I even know that the person I hurt most by my unwillingness to forgive is me.

And then there is the problem of forgiving myself. That seems to be the hardest thing to do. So every time I come across something that addresses forgiveness, I sit up and take notice. I mean, I really want to get rid of all those black holes in me that stop me being happy and living a more relaxed and successful life.

I have one particular issue at the moment that is really bugging me. Not long ago a friend did several things that really upset me, she told lies, she did things that made my life difficult for a while. It’s all over now, but I can’t seem to truly forgive her. So I avoid her, and can’t let go of the hurt. And just saying to myself “I forgive her”, that does not work at all. Do I need to confront her and tell her how I feel? Perhaps I will eventually just forget about it all, but I think that is unlikely.


Yesterday I came across a short video on Facebook, where Olivier Clerc talks about his new book The Gift of Forgiveness: A Magical Encounter with don Miguel Ruiz . I have promised myself to get the book and read it. That he speaks about what he learned from Don Miguel Ruiz is a special bonus, because Don Miguel is one of my very favourite teachers. I have his Four Agreements on my bathroom mirror and read them every day. In case you don’t know them, here they are.

agreement 1


Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2


Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3


Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4


Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Perhaps this last agreement will serve me best in dealing with forgiveness?



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Let’s talk about…Manifestation

June 23rd, 2010
One of the first things I learned when I went to Findhorn in 1975 was manifestation. I arrived after David Spangler, who had written this book, had already left the community but the lessons learned from it were still very much part of our educational programmes.

I had learned the concept of manifestation some years earlier from another source, where it was called creative law. I had used this law on several occasions over the years; it is a law, like manifestation, which uses the spiritual laws of attraction that can allow you to create the things you want in your life. It sounds very easy to do, but I realised it can also bring you unforseen surprises. Let me tell you the story of a friend to whom this happened.

Mary (not her real name) had fallen on hard financial times, lost her job, all her savings were gone and she felt desperate. When she heard about creative law she decided to try it. It all seemed so simple. What you need to do is imagine what it is you want, go inside and really put all your energy into what you are dreaming of. Do this for five minutes, one hour, whatever it takes until you feel it has “taken.” Then with total faith, release it and forget about it. Mary saw herself holding large amounts of money, counting more and more until she felt she could release it to the Universe.


It worked. Up to a point. Not long after this she got a new job in a bank as a teller, counting large amounts of money! Not quite what she thought she had imagined. Of course she did now have a job and was earning a living, but the large amounts of money – like winning the lottery – had not happened. What she had done is gone for the physical manifestation of hard cash instead of looking for what she really needed, which was a sense of richness and gratitude and joy in her life.

Another challenge I have dealt with in myself about manifestation is the fact that if God (or whatever you want to call the spiritual energy of the universe) already knows what I need, why do I have to ask for it at all? Can’t I just say, “God, you know what I need better than I do, thank you for taking care of me and giving me what I need?”

I believe that can work, but I also believe that we can help God a bit by showing our preferences. If there are limitless things we can have, create and do, perhaps we need to prioritise those things that are most important to us. It could be a particular kind of job, or a relationship, perhaps even something like a sense of purpose in our lives.

Then,  instead of saying, “I want a job as a teacher in the local high school”, try feeling strongly how you want your new job to make you feel. Imagine your love of children, your desire to share your wisdom and the satisfaction of making a difference in many young lives. How does that feel? Put all your emotion into your request.

There are countless was of using the Universal energy of attraction. I personally have a God Can. I took an old Coke can, covered it with paper and wrote GOD CAN on it. I now write little notes to God, infuse them with my love and thanks, then put them into the can and forget about them. You know something? I don’t even know any more what the notes say, I just trust that it will all be well.

There are countless ways of manifesting what you want/need in your life. I just leafed through the Findhorn Press Catalogue and found  The Complete Book of Manifestation with Crystals. I’ve never tried that myself. Then I found Crafting a Magical Life, Manifesting Your Heart’s Desire through Creative Projects. If manifesting peace inside yourself and for the world is something you want to create, there is no better book than James Twyman’s Praying Peace, written with Gregg Braden and Doreen Virtue.  Another great little book is The Findhorn Book of  Everyday Abundance by Karen Hood Caddy. Going beyond Findhorn Press, there is also our dear friend David Spangler. I see his original book The Laws of Manifestion is still available from Amazon, as is Everyday Miracles: The Inner Art of Manifestation.

You will be surprised at what got me thinking about manifestation right now. When I flew to New York recently I bought myself the Oprah Magazine. Inside I found a fascinating article called The Vision Thing. I just had a look and found it is also on line, so click on it, an interesting read.

Come and join me again soon and we’ll talk about some other life changing topics.


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Change is coming………….

June 7th, 2010
I’ve been writing this blog for several months now, all 43 of them. I’ve really enjoyed writing it, but somehow have never found my true voice. It was only when I stopped struggling and THINKING too much that it all become clear to me. Sitting on an airplane flying to New York (where I really did not want to go) it suddenly came to me with an ease that comes from not worrying about something and letting go. So in a few days times, when I am back in California, I will unveil my new and improved blog. A bit like Steve Jobs and his new iPhone.  In the meantime here is a picture I took from the top of the Empire State building this morning. The big apple itself. Exciting times ahead.





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Someone’s in the kitchen with Kay Lynne

May 30th, 2010
Many years ago, when I lived at Findhorn, I was blessed enough to focalise the Park Kitchen. That’s the kitchen over at the original Findhorn Caravan Park, where we cook lunch and dinner every day for the community. Working in the kitchen was my first job in the community when I arrived there in 1975, pregnant with my son Michael. Four years later I was running the kitchen. I loved every minute of it.


Here I am helping out in the Findhorn kitchen about five years ago.



One of our favourite cookery books at the time was the Findhorn Cook Book, published way before I arrived there. This is the book from which I learned to make meals for 200 people or more. I was a natural and became a good cook. What made our food so nourishing and healthy was not just the fresh vegetables, grains and beans we put into it, but the love and care we took in preparing it. As the community now heads for its 50th anniversary, I know this is still the case.

In the early 80′s another great cook arrived at Findhorn. Her name was Kay Lynne Sherman. She brought a grace and joy to the kitchen that we all experienced in the delicious dishes she prepared. Kay Lynne did more than just cook, she spent days and nights creating and testing (and tasting!) vegetarian recipes of all kinds – breads, cakes, main courses, desserts, sauces. The kitchen was constantly bustling with activity. However, these recipes were not for 200 people, but smaller, for families, a book of Findhorn recipes that could be enjoyed by people anywhere in the world.

While Kay Lynne was creating the recipes, another community member, Sarah Zoutewelle Morris was busy creating the layout of the book. Sarah is an artist. She drew exquisite drawings of the food and used her skill at calligraphy to write beautiful headings for the recipes. In 1981 it was done, and the book was published. It was called The Findhorn Family Cookbook.

As time went by, this book sadly became out of print. In the 90′s I had the idea of publishing a whole series of books called “The Findhorn Book of………”, all of them full of the wisdom and love that Findhorn had been sharing with its guests for many years. Why not republish the Findhorn Family Cookbook as part of this series?


Kay Lynne




No sooner said than it was done. Kay Lynne , who had by then moved back to the USA, flew over to France where Thierry and I were living and running Findhorn Press to help with the layout. Sarah, now living in Holland, was busy creating some new drawings for the book. Thierry created the new cover and I did the layout. It was a task of joy. The new book was published in 2003. This time it was called The Findhorn Book of Vegetarian Recipes.



The reason I am sharing this story with you today is that right now I am writing this while spending a few days with Kay Lynne in Ashland, Oregon. And this morning she made us some of her amazing scones from the recipe in the book – warm, crusty raisin scones with butter for breakfast. Heaven! I even passed on the mushroom omelets to eat more of them.






Our Findhorn family of authors and artists is spread all over the world, just as our readers are. I love this web of connection through our books. I am lucky enough to know many of our authors. Each one of our books has a story behind it, and I can tell you every one of them.


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This is all we ever need to know.

May 23rd, 2010

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is “thank you”, that would suffice.


Meister Eckhart


Thank you to whoever sent me to Findhorn in 1975 and changed my life forever.






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Insomnia, I have a problem

May 18th, 2010
My problem is that I don’t have insomnia. I sleep like a log. I have a very comfortable bed, an even more comfortable partner and lots of soft pillows just as I like it. So what is my problem? A couple of months ago I told Kat Tansey that I would read her book Insomnia Relief Recipes and try out the various methods of helping with insomnia. Great idea. But what can I do when I sleep so well?

So what I need is a volunteer, someone who really needs help. I can send you the pdf of the book so you can try it all out and report back on your experience. An offer you can’t refuse, right?

Please make yourself known to me as soon as possible. Many thanks.




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Happy Mother’s Day

May 9th, 2010
In North America, today is Mother’s day. Not sure if that’s true anywhere else. In the UK it is celebrated in March, in Europe sometime in May, and in Panama on December 8th. For those of us with children, I believe every day is Mother’s day. Is there ever a day we don’t think of our children in some way? I have two children, and have also had a number of step children along the way. I have been involved in bringing up seven children during my life. I know that motherhood is the most rewarding as well as toughest job in the world. I can’t even imagine what kind of a woman I might have been if I had not had children to knock me into shape.


My daughter Tamsin and I enjoyng a sunny day on the river.




My son Michael hugging me in the Community Centre at Findhorn.




My two little angels.



One of the most difficult and often underrated jobs of course is being a step mother. Been there, done that. I don’t think I did a very good job with it. I first became a step mother at age 21, to a five year old boy, Anthony. Anthony was a tough job, his mother was an alcoholic, his father a very good man but too busy to care for his small son. I did my best, but then little Anthony was sent to boarding school at age six. I am sure that must have damaged him tremendously. After that it was one problem after another including being expelled from two schools. Anthony died a couple of years ago, a lonely alcoholic who drank himself to death, probably deliberately. Could I have done better when he was young? I’m sure I could, but at the time I must have done my best.

Do I like being a mother? Oh yes, enormously. So today I will celebrate myself, think of my children and stepchildren.

And for my pregnant friends out there, who can’t wait to be mothers, here’s a great book.



Don’t you just love the cover?


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